Posts Tagged ‘holidays’

The other night was the fourth of July in America where I live, A holiday where people light off fireworks and firecrackers. Now where I live firecrackers are illegal, but people still light them off! So, as the fourth was winding to an end, a few minutes before midnight, I wasn’t terribly surprised to hear some booms. They were soft booms, but I assumed they were firecrackers being lit some distance away. Then I heard a loud crack! I knew that wasn’t a firecracker, it was something hitting my house!

I got up as quickly as I could, grabbed my crutches and hobbled outside to see what or who had just hit my house. Now, I admit that it did take me awhile because of my foot, so I wasn’t too surprised when I got outside and didn’t see anyone! I figured some local kids were up to shenanigans and must have thrown something at my house and taken off. It was too late and dark right then to try and find whatever it was that was thrown, so I figured I would just check around in the morning. I start to turn around to head back inside when I hear this female voice speak out. “Hello? Can you see me?”. Startled a bit I look around, and feeling kind of stupid answer with “No….where are you?”

“Hello? Can you see me?” the voice asked. Startled a bit I look around, and feeling kind of stupid answer with “No….where are you?”

“I’m hiding!” she says, “Right here! above you!”

I look above me, and sure enough! There’s a woman laying on my roof with a wrench in hand. Then it dawned on me, that the boom I heard actually came from the roof, and must have been her either hitting my roof with said wrench or dropping the wrench onto my roof. So, I ask her why she was hiding on my roof! I honestly couldn’t think of anything else to say or ask.

She claimed that she was running from someone. A person was chasing her with a knife and trying to kill her. She claimed that she got onto my roof in order to hide from this person. She then began asking questions like “Why are you on crutches?”, “Do you live alone?”, then followed up by asking if I could put my dog away in another room and let her come into my house to hide from this knife wielding maniac.

To clarify, a woman who I have never met in my life, who I met for the first time as she was banging on my roof with a wrench, wanted me to secure my guard dog and invite her into my home as I hobbled around on crutches. Yea, that wasn’t going to happen! Sure, if I felt she was genuinely in trouble I would have tried to help her out some, however, there was nobody around. The street was quiet as can be, and there was no indication that there was anyone chasing her. There weren’t even neighborhood dogs barking.

Clearly, the events she told me just weren’t actually happening. So, I called 911 and informed them there was a woman on my roof with a wrench claiming she was being stalked. The police arrived, and she told them what she had told me. Now, what all happened after that, I don’t know. I do know they arrested her, told me to stay away from her and if I ever see her anywhere near my house to call them right away and under no circumstances should I let her into my home.

So, I’m guessing she isn’t a nice person! I also assumed she was probably on some kind of drug or something. I am just guessing that, based on the fact that she was banging on my roof with a wrench though! Still, that seems like it has a high probability of being right!

And that kiddies, is how I ended my 4th of July!

While watching the morning news yesterday, the weather women gave a good warning. She said “If you are driving this Thanksgiving, Watch out for Frog”, and this is very sound advice! One might think this was just a goof on her part, and that she meant to say Fog instead of Frog. This may very well be the case, I mean she is a weather women, so discussing fog would make sense. However, that doesn’t make her warning any less useful! Therefore, I felt it important to share this holiday advice to my loving adoring public!

Let me set the scene for you! You find yourself driving home from spending the holiday with your family. You are cruising along the freeway, thinking about how great that deep-fried turkey tasted, and all of a sudden you feel the ground begin to shake. The logical side of your mind says “Don’t worry, it’s just a Tyranosaurus Rex running behind you”, but clearly you aren’t worried because they have tiny arms, and besides, you have a full tank of gas and are on a freeway! Just as you are smirking to yourself, a giant frog leaps out onto the road ahead of you. Not just a giant frog mind you, but fucking Frogzilla! It glances down at you with its froglike eyes, opens its mouth and unfurled it sticky tongue, launching it through the sky at your little foreign car. You have mere seconds to think, and the only thing that you have time to gather in your head is “Holy fuckballs!”, and at that instant your car is engulfed by the sticky pink tongue of a giant frog, and gulped down.

This could have been avoided, if only you watched out for Frog!

The Cat in the Hat by Dr. Seuss, 1957

Image via Wikipedia

The time is here! The time is here!
It’s been yet again another year!
One more year, since the year before,
and many, many more, since 1904!

In your life, you did many great deeds!
You provided us with many great reads!
You wrote about eggs, that were colored green
and about grinches, who were really mean!
You told of fishes both red and blue,
and of an elephant who once heard a who!

I say in all seriousness, and not in jest!
Your stories were great! better than best!
They are still read, they stood the test!
I think they are better than all the rest!

Wish you were around, to hear how I say,
How much I miss you in this world of today,
and how thankful I am of all that you did,
and loved all the stories you gave to this kid.

So, even though you aren’t here today.
I had something I really wanted to say.
You brought me joy, You helped me play,
and now I wish you a happy birthday!

–By Shaide–

Hall of Justice (comics)

Image via Wikipedia

The other night I found myself channel surfing, and flipping through pointless channel after channel. After awhile, I paused on QVC as I occasionally do when all the infomercials are lame, and there’s absolutely nothing on TV.

I watched it for a little bit, and the host, whose name I obviously don’t know, was talking about New Years, and she mentioned that “Everyone makes New Years Resolutions, even if they are unwilling to admit it”.

As far as I am concerned, that’s a load of zebra manure! I can’t speak for everyone, though apparently she can. However, I can speak for myself, and fact of the matter is; I do not make new years resolutions, in fact! I don’t celebrate New Years at all. I don’t watch the ball drop, I don’t run out at the stroke of midnight whooping and hollering like a madman. I don’t do anything like that.

Seriously though, what’s the point in celebrating? All a new year signifies is you are a little older, and that much closer to the grave. It also means a brand new year of increased taxes and price hikes and several disasters somewhere in the world.

So depressing.

Anyway, enough about me ranting, the point of this post was that I don’t make resolutions. Now, if the QVC host had said that everyone has made a resolution at some point in their life, then maybe! I did, when I was younger, make resolutions. Of course, to be fair, this was when I was 6 or 7. I am not even sure if they could really even be considered resolutions, since at that age, I didn’t fully grasp the point of resolutions. I used to think that a New Years resolution, was basically just a wish, that would come true. Kind of like when you blow the candle out on your birthday cake.

So, I ended up with resolutions of joining the Hall of Justice, and earning 100 dollars so I could be a millionaire, and of course the most important resolution of all: To join G.I. Joe. In fact, I even had a code name picked out for me. It was a truly kick-ass Codename that would rival even “Snake-Eyes“. My Codename; The Kid.

Clever huh? It suited me too, because at the time I was a kid. I don’t know what my specialty would have been, since clearly I didn’t think that far ahead.

Scarrots! Eat 'em like junk food!

Image by Kristin Brenemen via Flickr

Believe it or not, a lot of people have never had the honor of having their house TPed, Their windows soaped or even had their door egged during Halloween! Well, if you are one of those people, and for whatever reason, you are trying to increase the odds of getting tricked, then I have a tip for you!

The tip? One word: Scarrots.

Scarrots is apparently a fun-size bag full of Baby Carrots. You know the bags I mean right? Like M&Ms come in, as well as other candies that get handed out to the little ghosts and devils who come knocking at your door shouting “Trick-or-Treat!”

Apparently, a bunch of carrot farmers have been trying to market Baby Carrots to the junk food craving crowed. They are attempting this by putting baby carrots in more mainstream junk food packaging. Some looks like bags of chips, other look like energy bar packaging. Their most recent attempt was of course Scarrots, in mini Halloween themed packages.

Scarrots however, aren’t all bad! They do come with a glow-in-the-dark press on tattoo, which might be enjoyable to some of the little tykes. Although overall, I think most kids would find this very disappointing. Scarrots, in my opinion is worse than opening your trick-or-treat bag, and finding pencils, a couple of pennies and a toothbrush!

I’m not sure how hard these Scarrots are being pushed, but locally the grocery store is pushing them quite heavily. In fact, today I went and picked up a couple of bags of candy for the trick-or-treaters, I then made my way up to the cashier, to pay for the goods. While I stood their waiting for my total, she looks at me and asks if I would be interested in purchasing a bag of Scarrots.

Now, I am not sure if this was being pushed so heavily, because nobody is buying them, or if grocery stores are trying to encourage people to provide healthier treats this year.

Either way, handing out bags of Scarrots, I firmly believe will increase your odds of getting tricked this year! Just sayin’

The Fall Guy

Image via Wikipedia

 

When I was just a wee little tyke, I would stay up late at night sometimes and watch old TV show reruns. I remember, one of my favorite of these old shows was called “The Fall Guy” and starred Lee majors. I remember when it would come on, I would build a little tent out of my pillows and blankets, and watch it in big eyed amazement.

Now, I am not sure how many of you are familiar with the show, but it’s about a hollywood stuntman, who is also a part-time bounty hunter, and he uses his hollywood skills in his night job. It was also in the 80’s and anyone who’s familiar with action shows of the 80’s know that they are chock full of explosions. Fall guy was no different!

Last night, I noticed that one of our local stations was airing old re-runs of The Fall Guy! I haven’t seen the show in years, and was anxious to see it again. So, I tuned in and began watching. Unfortunately, about 10 mins into the show, it dawned on me, that the show kinda sucks! It wasn’t as good as I remember. Perhaps my tastes have changed? I don’t know, but for whatever reason, it lost its magic.

You know what? On second thought, maybe it was just because I was missing my make shift tent!

Tomorrow is Independence day here in America. It’s a day of hope, freedom, unity or something like that! I don’t know, I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to have some kind of deep meaning. To me, it’s always just meant watching fireworks blow up in the sky.

That’s pretty much it!

To be honest, I’m not much of a July 4th fan! Sure, when I was a wee tyke, I used to look forward to it. In fact, I used to go around singing a made-up song about the coming holiday! It was such an exciting holiday, that the only holiday cooler than it, was Christmas. As a child though, how can you not love independence day? Going to the beach, sitting around on blankets in the sand, watching fireworks explode into a multitude of colored sparks. That was great!

However, time passed and I grew up. Now its lost spiffiness and I look at the holiday from a different view. I see it as a holiday with increased traffic accidents, increased fires and increased injuries. When looking at the “Holiday” from that perspective, it tends to lose its magic.

On top of all that, this year Independence day falls on a Sunday, a day when the U.S. mail doesn’t run. However, due to the fact that banks and the post office don’t get a day off on July 5th, they will be observing independence day on the 5th, so they can still get an extra day off. This doesn’t really make sense. They can’t celebrate it on the 5th! They aren’t going to go out and light fireworks yelling “Happy belated independence day!”, whatever! I just want my mail!