Archive for July, 2011

TV Land is just one of many Cable Television stations that show Classic Black and White “Olde Timey” television shows like; Dobie Gillis, “I love Lucy” and Gunsmoke (Although I do admit that TV Land has cut back on its classics and has since decided that 80’s/90’s TV is classic enough for them).

One of my favorite TV shows from back in the day however, was the Patty Duke Show. What was it about? Well, the theme song pretty much sums it up.

Meet Cathy, who’s lived most everywhere,
From Zanzibar to Barclay Square.
But Patty’s only seen the sight.
A girl can see from Brooklyn Heights.
What a crazy pair!

But they’re cousins,
Identical cousins all the way.
One pair of matching bookends,
Different as night and day.

Where Cathy adores a minuet,
The Ballet Russes, and crepe Suzette,
Our Patty loves to rock and roll,
A hot dog makes her lose control!
What a wild duet!

Still, they’re cousins,
Identical cousins and you’ll find,
They laugh alike, they walk alike,
At times they even talk alike!

You can lose your mind,
When cousins are two of a kind.

While the show might have been great, and the theme song very catchy. One part of that theme song leaves me baffled!

“Our Patty loves to rock and roll, A hot dog makes her lose control!”

I have to ask myself, why would a hot dog make anyone lose control? It’s just a hod dog! It’s not even a chilli-Slaw dog with cheese and onions! Just a basic Hot Dog.

Unless of course that “Hot Dog” is just an innuendo? Perhaps it means something a little more Risque? Let’s not forget that this show was on the air from 1963 to 1966, so what might not be Risque to you today, very well could have to that era of television viewers.

I always told myself, that when I got older, I wouldn’t be one of those people. I wouldn’t go around saying, that back in my day we had things harder than todays children, because at the time, I figured that there was no way kids could get things easier. I mean, we could watch movies in our house whenever we wanted, which was pretty damn cool.Hell, We could even play video games at home without having to go to the arcade! Shit, we even had the fucking internet pop-up in my childhood!

Hell, we even had light-up shoes, cause we were bitchin' like that.

So, taking all that into consideration, the last thing I figured I would ever think, is how we had ANYTHING harder than any generation that would come after us. If anything, I figured the next generation would have it harder, because I assumed that by now, we would be living in an atomic wasteland, because that seemed to be the route the world was taking at the time.

In the end however, we didn’t end up nuking ourselves to Timbuktu, and somehow to my amazement, certain things got easier for the next generation. Not everything mind you, I mean back in my day, I remember when gas only cost like a buck fifty, and now look at how much teens are having to pay for gas! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Suckers!

*points and laughs*

Anyway, the point of this post is so I can do, what I said I would never do, and say the following phrase; Things are so easy now! You know, back in my day shit was so much harder to do!

This time I am going to focus on video games, because video games kicks much ass!

Believe it or not, video games have changed a LOT over the years, not just in terms of graphics and sound, though those are the biggest and most obvious changes, but that’s to be expected! It’s part of technology progressing, but there are also smaller more subtle changes in modern video games, that are in no way associated with the advancement of technology. Changes that were put in place purely to make your video game life that much fucking easier!

Changes like:

RPG Leveling up process

Growing up, I was a huge RPG fan! I loved Pen and Paper RPGs, so it was only obvious that I would try Computer/Console RPGs. When I did, I was hooked! I lived and breathed games like; Final Fantasy, Dragon Warrior, Willow and Phantasy Star.

I remember popping in an RPG and spending a full day practically just walking around the first town, killing monster after monster, building up my experience points so that I could level up enough to take on some tougher monsters that were surrounding the second town.

Days were spent just killing monsters, all so you could get powerful enough to kill more monsters! basically, it was a total grindfest! People complain about how MMORPGs have a lot of grinding, but that’s pretty much how many RPGs were back in the day. Nowadays, you don’t even need to grind! Just start your RPG of choice and move from area to area. By the time you reach your next location, just from “Exploration Experience” you are practically level up enough to take on the boss, if you killed some things on your way there, then you are not only leveled up enough, but probably over-powered!

You don’t need to grind anymore in RPGs, which is a good thing in a way, because it means you don’t need to tear yourself away from the epic story being told. You can remain immersed in the saga. So, I see why it’s that way, but still, it makes RPGs so much more easier!

Passwords

When I first started gaming, many games didn’t have a battery back-up, which meant that you couldn’t save your game! So, in order to allow gamers to play huge epic sagas that took weeks of gameplay, they created a password system. When you went to “Save” your game, you were given a password! Then, when you turned your game on again, you would go to the password screen and input your password to continue your saga.

By the way, when I say password, I don’t mean something like “Heartbeat” or “Horseback” or even multiple worded passwords like “Goat Mountain thunder”. No, that would have been too easy! They were crazy passwords, that used letters, numbers, symbols, lower and upper case sensitivity. Like this password screen:

unfuckingbelievable!

Now, not ALL passwords were that long and insane, some were shorter, some even longer and crazier, but either way it was always a pain in the ass! Especially compared to todays gamers who just needs to press a button and poof! All saved! In my day, most gamers had a notebook, that had all their game passwords scribbled down! Some gamers, like yours truly, had multiple notebooks, because just one wasn’t going to be enough.

Now, that’s just a thing of the past, but….

Speaking of Saving!

…It’s not like you need to anyway! Not only do you not have to fiddle with passwords, but most of the time, you don’t even need to choose a save option! Most RPGs and even non-RPGs have a built-in “Auto-save” feature, which saves the game for you every 5 mins it seems like!

Whereas in my day, if we got too fucking lazy to grab our pen to write down a password, we could lose hours of gameplay due to our characters untimely demise.

Damn Slackers!

Too easy!

Video games nowadays are just way too easy! Sure, some have an option that allows you to choose a difficulty setting, however those same games also have an “Easy” setting in their difficulty list, which basically plays the game for you! Seriously, just set the game to easy and walk away for a half hour, and when you come back, there’s a good chance that you will have finished the damn game!

When I first started gaming, games were nearly impossible! It’s why so many old-school gamers have the konami code burned into their memory! After all, most of Konamis games were impossible to beat without the damn code! Games so difficult, that you literally had to fucking cheat to play it! Even with the cheat, the game was still a challenge!

Watchout for the lazer!

Sure, we had some games that had difficulty settings, and sure they had an “Easy” setting, but most times, unless you were playing a Disney title, even “Easy mode” would be frustrating enough to make you want to rip your hair out!

Clearly a fan of the Contra series!

Take Cover!

Most games started you off with “Three Health Bars” back in the day, which basically meant you could get shot three times, before you came face to face with the dreaded “Game over” screen, which i wouldn’t be surprised if most modern gamers have never seen in their life.

For modern Gamers

Sure, after you got hit and lost a health bar, you could come across a health pack to heal yourself up, but those were few and far between. Your best bet, was to just do everything in your power to avoid getting hit at all!

Gamers today rarely care about any of that, since a lot of modern games don’t even have a health bar! Just run out into the open and shoot shit til your screen is nearly red, then run behind a wall for a second til your case of extreme red-eye goes away, and yer perfectly ready to do it again!

Riddled with bulletholes? Nothing a few seconds rest won't cure!

I’m not saying that all of this is bad! In fact, I understand why games are made easier! Games today focus a lot on story! back when i started gaming, a story consisted of something like this:

Epic saga right?

So, back in the day, stories were more of an after thought! Most gamers didn’t even pay attention to a story, myself included! What would be the point, you see what our stories were! Most of the time, it was better to fabricate your own story in your head as the game moved along!

Nowadays, you have great stories with good voice acting and incredible cut-scenes! Games are made easier, so people can fully enjoy the story of a game, rather than be held back for weeks at a time, while the story is basically paused until you are able to advance it.

Even I play modern games the first time on “Easy”, just so I can experience the story first hand, and then play again on the harder settings.

So, as I said; I get it! That doesn’t change the fact that games in my day were ape-shit harder though. Just sayin’.

Nintendo Cereal

I have been a gamer as far back as I can remember. Seriously, I was raised on video games! When I was younger a gamepad/joystick felt more comfortable in my hand than any kind of toy or action figure. Hell, I even ate video games! Not literally mind you, but I did chow down on Nintendo cereal!

When games are too good for just consoles!

Not because it was yummy either, in fact; if memory serves me correctly, the cereal was horrible! It tasted stale, and the only thing it had going for it was having 2 cereals in one box, which wasn’t even unique since NERDS Cereal was doing the same thing, except NERDS was actually a good cereal.

“]

Not made from actual Nerds.

So why did I crunch down on Nintendo Cereal like it was going out of style? — Which by the way it did, that cereal brand faded into obscurity faster than you can beat Super Mario Brothers, using warps!

Aside from it having kick ass game tips?

The reason I ate it, was simple. It had fucking “Nintendo” on the box! Not only that, but “Mario Brothers” and “Legend of Zelda” as well! Seriously, How could I not guzzle that shit down faster than a fuel guzzling SUV?

Plus sometimes the boxes had holograms!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Cereal

Quick, if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles endorsed a cereal, what flavor would it be?

If you answered Pizza, then you are normal. If however you said, Chex (Sorry, Ninja Nets that look a whole lot like chex) with little marshmallow ninja weapons instead, then congratulations! you are in the same mind-set as — well, whoever comes up with cereal ideas at Ralston.

Not even as a marshmallow shape!

Now many people will shout out in anger that they fucking loved this cereal when they were a kid. They will go on about how this was the best thing since sliced bread! Of course you loved it when you were a kid! Why? Because you were a kid! You didn’t know better! It had Ninja turtles on the damn box! And Marshmallows! In your kid-like state, that’s all you needed to know! Ninja+Turtle+Marshmallow=Greatest Cereal EVER!

Oh yea, and sometimes the boxes had fucking holograms!

Ghostbusters Cereal

Like most of the cereals I remember from my childhood, this particular cereal managed to cash it on a childhood favorite franchise! In this case, the spirit hunting, proton shooting GhostBusters from animated fame!

Who ya gonna call?!

Unlike previous cereals on this list, I actually enjoyed this cereal for its taste, not just the franchise, although the franchise is pretty damn great, and it might have helped my taste buds along in realising its greatness.

Mmmm, Boobies! - I mean Mmmm, Ghostbusters!

I know many people who would disagree with me though, and that’s fine! They are probably right, after all during that time, I too was a kid, and the cereal had a popular franchise I loved, and fucking marshmallows! So, I fully admit, that my little kid-like mind could have been brainwashed, in a way that only childhood icons stuck on a cardboard box can do!

However, unlike previous cereals on this list, Ghostbusters cereal didn’t have any cheesy gimmicks or anything.

Unless you count Hologram boxes..

OJ Cereal

Unlike previously mentioned Cereals, this cereal doesn’t ride the coat-tails of some franchise, which is a good thing! Otherwise the only logical franchise to ride would by the OJ of the Simpson variety, which after the 1994 “Incident”, I am sure Kellogg’s is glad they created their own mascot, although it’s not like OJ cereal lasted long enough to suffer any bad press relating to the “Incident”, considering OJ Cereal disappeared from store shelves, about a year after it made its grand appearance.

Orangy goodness!

The mascot they created is apparently some cowboy, who rides around on big oranges, at least as best I can tell. Honestly, I am not overly familiar with the mascot, because quite frankly, it wasn’t based on an already established fucking franchise, so I could give a rats ass.

What was the cereal? Well, it was advertised as an orange flavored cereal, but to be honest, the cereal didn’t really taste all that orangish to me. Of course, I could be remembering it wrong. My child-like brain was probably too focused on the lack of an established childhood icon for me to fully appreciate.

Or maybe it was just crap.

Bigg Mixx

As embarrassing as it is to admit, This is one of my most favorite childhood cereal! Despite the lack of Pop-eye, He-Man or some other kick-ass character on the box, that I had the entire action figure collection of. Instead, it has some weird fucking moose-pig-chicken-Rabbit type thing just staring off into the fucking distance. I don’t even know what it was supposed to be looking at, but it must be something weird, if something that fucked up looking can’t stop staring at it!

One weird fucking Mascot!

Seriously, the critter really could have become popular. It should have been given its own show! Hell, I would have watched, but let’s be clear about one thing, as a child I was easily impressed, so that’s not really saying much I suppose. Still, I am sure other kids were easily impressed, at least judging by this fucking list of cereal!

Enough about the Mascot! Let’s dwell on the cereal!

What the hell was it? Well, an easier question would be “What the hell wasn’t it”?! Ok, that’s total bullshit, that wouldn’t be easier, so let’s go back to the original question!

Basically, it’s everything! It’s like Raisin Bran mixed with whatever other cereals were popular at the time. It was just a Big Mix of cereal, hence the name!

The cereal didn’t last long! Parent quit buying it, probably for the same reason my mom quit buying it for me! She wised up! She saved back an empty box of Bigg Mixx, and then would take all those almost empty boxes of cereal that
I insisted were empty, and then she would pour them all together in the bigg mixx box, and tell me that it was a new Bigg Mixx Blend.

After all, that’s all Bigg Mixx fucking was! Leftover cereal, just fucking tossed in a box, and sold to the general public.

Cap’n Crunch’s OOPS! All Berries

Unlike the others listed here, this particular cereal doesn’t come from my childhood, but it does come from my past, which means it totally fits into the “Flash-back” category.

While Bigg Mixx was one of my favorite cereals, this one falls right at the very top!

The cereal is a limited edition “Brand”, that is released every few years under the Cap’n Crunch brand. It’s called; OOPS! All Berries, and basically what it is, is a fucking box full of crunch berries!

Best EVER!

For those not in the know, Crunch berries are those yummy colored balls you find in Cap’n Crunch’s Crunch berries cereal. To put this in perspective for you, this would be like getting a box of “Lucky Charms” only to find that it contains only fucking marshmallow bits! None of that annoying oat crap that you eat so you can enjoy the marshmallowy goodness.

Yea, just like that!

So, is it any wonder why I love the shit?! I mean, the only way a cereal could get any better would be if they released a Porno brand cereal!

Getting Close!

Those are the cereal brands that I remember so fondly from my youth, most didn’t do very well at all, and were very short-lived, but in all fairness, those last three cereal brands would have been a shitload better if they had released holographic box versions! Just sayin’.

Fans of Big Brother 13(BB13) were treated to a new twist this season, The show paired people up in duos, and brought some power couples from the past, back into the game. The returning favorites was Rachel and Brendon, or more commonly referred to as Brenchel, The American Sweethearts Jeff and Jordan, and of course the Donatos, Dick(Or Evel Dick, whichever you prefer) and Danielle.

However, fans of the series who might have turned into Big Brother After Dark on Showtime, or the Big Brother Live feeds might have noticed something was missing! The missing factor? Evel Dick!

Many sources began cranking out rumor after rumor. Some sources were saying he had became ill, others said someone in his family was injured, and still others stated that he had been arrested for some odd reason. Rumors literally were flying all over the web.

I decided to hold off on talking about Evel Dicks disappearing, until facts were actually known, because I don’t deal in rumors, and to be honest; Rumors don’t help anyone!

So, why did Dick disappear from the house? As of the time of this writing, nobody but CBS and Evel Dick really knows, so don’t go believing everything you read on the interwebs! There has however been some announcements, which might shed a little light on the situation however.

CBS issued a statement stating the following:

“Due to a personal matter, Big Brother houseguest Dick Donato had to leave the game unexpectedly on Thursday.  His departure will be addressed on the episode to be broadcast on Wednesday, July 13,”

Evel Dick also posted a statement on his twitter page;

I will be releasing a public video statement on @RTVZonein the next couple days concerning my departure from the Big Brother House, But to squash the rumors, I am not in jail, don’t have cancer, my mother son and girlfriend are not in the hospital & I was not kicked out. Don’t bother asking me questions, I won’t be answering… I will let you know when my public statement is posted on @RTVZone. Thanks for all the concern and well wishes.

So, there you have it! Nobody currently knows, and won’t know until either weds BB episode, or Dicks RTVZone announcement, whichever comes first.

His disappearance from the house is a shame though. While I am not a huge fan of his, I do know he and his assholery would totally have ruled the BB house. Without him, it looks like it is just going to be night after night of people playing that chanting game, “Big Booty!” and “Would you rather…?”