Same old feelings

Posted: June 9, 2008 in All about ME!
Tags: , , , , ,

A few months back, I found myself in a very bad place. If you have read this blog in the past, you might know what I am talking about. In case you haven’t read this blog allow me to re-cap! Back in February I found out I had Cancer. This was definitely not one of my finer moments, and in it’s self was enough to put me in a dark gloomy place. Depression was present, although I did try to brush it off with humor, because that’s what I do. I make jokes.

As if finding out about the cancer wasn’t enough to throw a wet blanket on the month of love. I also found myself getting dumped by my girlfriend of three years. The break-up came on suddenly, and quite honestly I wasn’t expecting it. However, like it or not..It was slamming into my face like a 2-ton sack of bricks.

I was not a happy camper.

There I was, Alone with cancer and nobody really to talk to. The one person I cared most about, the one person I always felt I needed was gone. She was the only one I felt “Right” talking to about major situations, because when my life would spiral out of control she always helped set it right. Now however, she was gone.

On top of that, after she stepped out from my life I suffered yet another blow. A death in the family, and again I realised how I was on my own throughout this whole thing. I did manage though. I am proud of that fact! I pulled through, but god damn I missed her so bad.

Months flew by, and finally, she started talking to me again. The woman who was my best friend and so much more. She was actually talking to me again, and I was so relieved. My best friend was back. The thing is, and I realised this pretty quick..I was still in love with her. After 4 months, I was still in love with this woman.

How pathetic is that?

Just talking to her was making my stomach do flips. I didn’t want to be in love with her. She managed to fall out of love with me. That’s why she didn’t talk to me for months. She distanced herself from me so that those feelings she had would fade away. Those feelings of mine however stayed strong. I am not sure why this was. Perhaps because I spent so much time thinking about her? Wondering why she left me, and what I did. I thought about her every day.

Yes, I know. I am a pathetic loser..who just so happens to be a total nutjob. Go ahead, let her rip! Nothing anyone can say to me is anything I don’t already know. I just wish I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I can’t help how I feel I guess. Although she and I are friends again. Maybe that’s what I need right? Maybe that will give me some level of closure? One can only hope.

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Comments
  1. Kelly says:

    Oh my gosh, I can’t think of anything that would help a little but -hugged him- that’s all I can do ^-^

    It hurts, it sucks, it makes you question yourself, love, it really does, and it usually lasts for a painfully long time. I’m just throwing in useless annoying stuff, but just know that everything will eventually turn up. “With every dark cloud, there is a silver lining” ^-^

    And good luck with the cancer, I’m sure you can fight it. I believe in you

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