Archive for June, 2008

Yesterday was a difficult day for me, as it is every year. It’s one of those days I become mopey while feelings of anger swirl about inside me, making me want to lash out at the world in a flurry of punches. However, just like every year the anger slowly slips away, and for awhile at least I can resume my daily activities.

So, why was yesterday so hard? It marked my late wifes birthday. I tend to get depressed on that day, as well as the date of her death and our wedding anniversary.

I decided though, that since her blog has long since gone down, and since I did back it up to my HD before it was removed, That I would re-post her final birthday blog entry here, so you could see even a glimpse at what kind of a woman she was.

It’s my birthday. And yesterday was my birthday..but only in Australia…so..it was kind of stretched out over two days. My mum called me tonight and wished me a Happy Birthday which is always nice. It felt nice to be with my husband, although I did have to work.

 

 I kind of missed our family tradition of being allowed to pick whatever kind of fast food I would like for dinner though. Makes me smile and feel kind of silly now, but it was always a highlight of my birthdays as a kid. And where’s my yummy cream filled cake from the bakery around the corner? The one that would float it’s way into our lounge under the guidance of it’s little candles? The candles that come from that old maragrine container in the back of the cupboard where all good birthday cake things are held? The one we eat after dinner, and after everyone has sung Happy Birthday to me? And where’s my Nana (dad’s mum) to give me the nylon panties that are five sizes too small as my gift? I want those panties and I want em now!

 

 Still, I had a lovely birthday, because my husband’s Grandma bought me a cake before she left for her vacation in Nebraska, and it was so unexpected, it meant alot to me. And my husband makes every day special anyway.

 

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A few months back, I found myself in a very bad place. If you have read this blog in the past, you might know what I am talking about. In case you haven’t read this blog allow me to re-cap! Back in February I found out I had Cancer. This was definitely not one of my finer moments, and in it’s self was enough to put me in a dark gloomy place. Depression was present, although I did try to brush it off with humor, because that’s what I do. I make jokes.

As if finding out about the cancer wasn’t enough to throw a wet blanket on the month of love. I also found myself getting dumped by my girlfriend of three years. The break-up came on suddenly, and quite honestly I wasn’t expecting it. However, like it or not..It was slamming into my face like a 2-ton sack of bricks.

I was not a happy camper.

There I was, Alone with cancer and nobody really to talk to. The one person I cared most about, the one person I always felt I needed was gone. She was the only one I felt “Right” talking to about major situations, because when my life would spiral out of control she always helped set it right. Now however, she was gone.

On top of that, after she stepped out from my life I suffered yet another blow. A death in the family, and again I realised how I was on my own throughout this whole thing. I did manage though. I am proud of that fact! I pulled through, but god damn I missed her so bad.

Months flew by, and finally, she started talking to me again. The woman who was my best friend and so much more. She was actually talking to me again, and I was so relieved. My best friend was back. The thing is, and I realised this pretty quick..I was still in love with her. After 4 months, I was still in love with this woman.

How pathetic is that?

Just talking to her was making my stomach do flips. I didn’t want to be in love with her. She managed to fall out of love with me. That’s why she didn’t talk to me for months. She distanced herself from me so that those feelings she had would fade away. Those feelings of mine however stayed strong. I am not sure why this was. Perhaps because I spent so much time thinking about her? Wondering why she left me, and what I did. I thought about her every day.

Yes, I know. I am a pathetic loser..who just so happens to be a total nutjob. Go ahead, let her rip! Nothing anyone can say to me is anything I don’t already know. I just wish I wasn’t in love with her anymore. I can’t help how I feel I guess. Although she and I are friends again. Maybe that’s what I need right? Maybe that will give me some level of closure? One can only hope.

In my last entry I said I would write a post about something that recently happened to me. Oddly enough I never wrote that post. Why is that? Because quite honestly I have had a lot going on, and it slipped my mind. I will however tell you what happened now…Better late than never eh?

So, there’s this little on-line “Game” called Second Life that I play. Now, I use the term “Game” loosely, because it’s different things to different people. For some it’s a chat room. Others consider it a Role Playing Game. To still others it’s a social experiment. Hell it can even be a racing game, FPS or a flight sim if that’s what you want. It’s basically whatever you make of it.

The point of this post is not a debate or discussion on what SecondLife is though. I play the “Game” and I tend to make things. So, apparently someone saw something I made and contacted me. They said what a great job I did on the item, and how they were oh so impressed! They then apologised for contacting me and bothering me, because I must obviously be very busy, and that they don’t normally contact “Content Creators”. See, that made me LOL out loud. Content Creator? Me? I don’t think so! I mean, Yea..I make items in SecondLife, and a small number of people own some of my things. On top of that some of my older items are quite popular in certain circles….but a Content creator?

I tend to reserve the term “Content Creator” for the heavy hitters of SecondLife. People like Fallingwater Cellardoor, Kaysha Sion, Nicky Ree, Radical Twang and Elika Tiramisu. These are Content Creators…I just make shit.